Sunday, November 2, 2008

Katy’s Family Forest, part 17

I'd like to just stop for a minute and say thank you to each of you who commented and/or e-mailed me. I really appreciate your support and I am so glad that you're reading this! J You are absolutely right—I need to post more often, both on this topic and just in general. If I tried to write all of the things that are going on here, it would make your head spin. In fact, this morning in ABF (Sunday School) I was asked to share my high and low for the week (an activity that I initiated and led, by the way, so I have no one to blame but myself), and I could hardly narrow either of those down to just one thing, and ended my sharing time in tears! It's just been CRAZY. But I guess that means that God is giving me lots of experiences to write about, right??? So anyway, I promise to do better about writing more often. So now, here's your next look into my story………….

Jan had the unfortunate luck of being the second person to tell me to "respect her feelings." If I'd gotten her e-mail before Frank's, I probably wouldn't have said anything. But her e-mail was second, and I was fed up. I sent her a response that still gets me fired up, seven years later! I made it clear that, even though I am now an adult, I was the innocent child in this whole situation. I was tired of her and Frank acting like I was the one inconveniencing them when they were the ones who got themselves into this mess in the first place! Their awkward feelings were not my responsibility—and by the way, this whole situation was no bowl of cherries for me either. I finished by explaining that she was welcome to join us at my graduation party or not, but that she needed to realize that we would not rearrange our lives to keep from inconveniencing her. There would not be separate graduation parties or birthday parties for our future children. If she had a problem with being around my parents, she would have to miss those celebrations, as well as school programs, recitals, and maybe even things that Jon and I were involved in. It was her choice.

She chose to come to the party.

She actually sent me a nice apology. To be honest, I know that I was probably laying more on her than was really fair, and I think she understood why. But I think it was also important for me to figure out just how much she truly wanted to be a part of my life. From the time I had found out that she was my birth mom, she had been adamant that she wanted to have a close relationship… But then I would go weeks or even months without hearing from her. It was frustrating, and it was also very hard on the people-pleaser in me. Every time that she said she wanted to be closer, I thought it was my fault and that I wasn't doing enough, so I'd try harder to e-mail her and keep in touch, but still get little response. I was very stressed over a relationship that I didn't feel should be occupying so much of my worry. So I guess this was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I think it was a good release in a lot of ways.

So Jan came to the party, Frank obviously didn't J, and we all moved on. For a while.

I know this is a short one, but this seems like a good stopping point for today. But believe me, more is on the way!


Courtney said...

Glad you posted again. I am so sorry that you have so much going on. We do too and it always seems like the light at the end of the tunnel is so far off. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...


It's clear that you have issues with me that you've never approached me about. I understand that this is YOUR process and I'll respect that. As I've told you before, when you're ready to address whatever issues you have with me to my face I'm more than happy to listen to and talk with you about them. Perhaps that would give you a little more understanding and clarity about some of the questions you have.

I'll wait to hear from you.

Jan H.