Transparency

Well, folks, it's time for a little honesty. It's not pretty, but it's where I am today.

On Sunday night, I had an amazing time with the Lord. My husband and I had gone to a friend's house, where my husband made use of the indoor pool. I opted out of swimming, going for a jog in the neighborhood instead. I finished before my swimmer, so I found a quiet spot by a pond in our friend's yard and laid down to rest. It was around 9 PM and still surprisingly light outside. As I lay there, staring at the single star in the sky, I was overtaken by the vastness of the sky, the universe beyond me. I turned off my iPod and started to pray—and strangely, as small as I felt right there and then, I also felt a connection with God unlike I have ever really experienced.

After that night, I decided to do a two-day fast. There are some struggles that we are having, and I felt that God was really asking me to let go and lay them at His feet. To be fair, I will keep the specifics private—but to ease your fears if you know us, it's nothing between us. J

I have done many fasts before, but I have to say that this was probably the most significant and… purest fast I have completed. By that I mean that my motives were pure (no hidden weight-loss agenda J) and that I was able to keep focused on why I was fasting. (Often I get to the end of my fast and think, "Wow, I'm glad that's over. Oh, I guess I forgot to really be praying about the things I was fasting for…") I was able to appreciate what a beautiful metaphor fasting is in giving your struggles over to God, trusting Him to supply my needs instead of relying on my own human senses.

And I prayed and prayed and prayed. Several topics kept coming up in my prayers. And I thought about the fast and the metaphor, and I was thankful for the way God was teaching me.

At the end of the two days, I took a deep breath, thanked God, and took a bit of food. J I did not get, nor did I expect, a miraculous solution to my prayers, but I felt comforted.

But that was yesterday. Today I am feeling discouraged and forgotten. I did not, as I said, expect the areas I was praying for to suddenly be fixed, but I think that there's a part of me that thought, "I've been earnestly fasting and praying about this for two days—it's going to start to get better." But it hasn't—and in many ways, it's gotten worse.

I stopped in my husband's office this morning, and I told him I was feeling discouraged. I suppose it doesn't help matters that I'm just generally having a lousy day—my kids are tired and grouchy, they are with a sitter today but Matt sobbed when I left, I'm not having a lot of luck with the errands I need to run, that kind of stuff. Anyway, I told him how frustrated I was, and he pointed me to a business deal that he was just able to close this week, which is a real blessing to us. It's not completely closed yet, but it has all come together so easily and seemed so perfect. Yes, I agreed, God has really worked that out, and I'm thankful for that. And then, while we were talking about it, some people we have never met before walked into his office and said, "We live next door to that house you're selling, and we have a problem." You've GOT to be kidding, Lord.

So here I sit in Panera, feeling very… heavy… spiritually, of course. And also, thankful for the free wireless Internet access. And while I would like to feel sorry for myself, God is reminding me that this pain I am feeling… it's hunger pangs. It's my earthly body searching for an earthly solution. But the answer isn't there. The answer isn't earthly, it is heavenly. My heavenly Father is the only one who can truly fill my needs. And while that doesn't necessarily make the hunger pangs disappear right away, it provides comfort to know that He will provide. Maybe not exactly what I think He should or when I think He should… but exactly what I need, when I need it.

As I was pondering all of this in the car earlier today, this song came on. It has always been one of my favorites, and the lyrics really struck my heart this morning. If you are hurting or feeling like you need some peace, I hope they will speak to you as well. Oh, and even if it sounds like I'm working my way out of my discouragement, if you could spare a prayer for me, I definitely wouldn't argue. J Thanks for indulging me.

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace