Katy’s Family Forest, part 26

***Edited because I changed my mind about some of my wording...***

You all have me a little nervous. We're drawing near to the end of the story, and I am afraid you won't come back! So maybe I should just keep you hanging a little longer… ;-)

Just kidding. But seriously, I hope you'll keep reading after the story is "finished"—you know, as much as anything that's an ongoing part of my life can be finished. That being said, this is not the last installment of "Katy's Family Forest." There will be at least one more after this. OK, so now let's get to it.

So there I was, sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant, wondering if I really wanted to go through with it after all. And really, I think I felt about that meeting similar to how I feel about writing the end of the story: That's it? It's over? After so many years of this continuing real live soap opera, was it all really drawing to a close? But two things got me out of the car: First, I was there. It seemed silly to turn around and go home at that point. And second, I still kept thinking that I would someday regret if I missed this opportunity. So Jon and I got out and started up the hill to the entrance.

Der Dutchman is well-known in that area, and there is always a line. As in, out the door, down the length of the building (which is huge). Today was no exception. Fortunately, we knew that Frank and Janet had arrived before us and had already gotten a spot in line for us. So we started scanning the crowd.

And then it happened. We saw him—both of them. They recognized us right away, and we recognized them. And it was so… odd. Surreal and yet anti-climactic at the same time. After all, we're standing in the middle of a crowded line of strangers… And even though I was strangely connected to them both, I hardly thought of him as my "long-lost daddy" or anything, so it wasn't all that emotional. Just surreal. And strangely anti-climactic. Did I say that already?

And then we still had to wait in line. Ummm… The only word I have for that is "surreal." Again. We didn't really feel like we could talk standing there in line, so we just chatted… How do you chat with your biological father and his wife, neither of whom you've ever met?

Der Dutchman is popular, and it is also very, very big. So even though the lines are typically long, they keep it moving at a good pace. We probably weren't in line for more than 15-20 minutes before we had a table. Finally, it was just the four of us.

I feel like so much has built up to this moment in the story, and now I'm just not sure I can do it justice.

Frank was… nothing like I imagined. As I mentioned before, I expected him to be hard and gruff, a heartless jerk. He was friendly and a little soft-spoken. I couldn't figure it out, it didn't compute with what I knew of him. They brought pictures of them, of Frank when he was in the military, of Frank's granddaughter. (Did I mention that Frank has another daughter close to my age? She had recently had her first baby.)

We placed our orders, and then Jon and I headed to the salad bar. I think it was a good opportunity for both couples to have time to discuss our initial impressions. We were both a little… I don't know… I hate to say we were surprised that they were friendly, but… he was just so different than I thought he would be.

And again, I started to worry: What were we going to talk about this whole time? It seemed logical that we would talk about him and Jan, and why he didn't stick around, etc, etc, etc… but I didn't really need—or especially want—to. I knew that he and Jan hadn't been in a serious relationship at the time—and not only that, he was married! And again, it hadn't happened to me, it had happened to Jan. I had definitely gotten the best end of the deal, since I got placed in my family! J

So instead, we just talked. Not much about my adoption or my family, but just talked. We talked about our kids, Janet's kids, Frank's grandbaby. We did talk a little about Frank and Janet's remarriage—I think they felt a little uncomfortable about that, since I had expressed disapproval at Janet's leaving her husband (and children) for Frank. But honestly, it was all said and done at that point, and while I am sad to see any marriage end like that, it was their lives and their choice, not mine. So I think that wasn't as much of an issue as they were concerned it would be. So more than anything, we just got to know each other. And they were nice… and friendly… and easy to talk to.

So in some ways, it was anti-climactic, because there were no big… emotional moments. No breakdowns or apologies or… whatever else one might expect when first meeting your "father" after 28 years. But again, he wasn't really my father, just the man who had helped to conceive me.

But it has also become an important day in my life for a few reasons. First, I learned who Frank really is. While I can't speak for how he acted 28 years ago, deep down I don't really think that he was heartless… I think he was more… afraid of conflict, and that he tended to avoid it... strongly. That explained why he had reacted the way he did when I had tried to contact him before—it had caused a problem between him and his wife at the time, so the easiest thing was just to do away with the conflict. It also explained his history with women (multiple wives and affairs).

Second, I learned that my connection to Frank—and to Janet—is stronger than I would have thought. During lunch, they expressed interest in someday meeting the kids. On the ride home, Jon said he had no real desire to maintain contact with them… and three hours earlier, I probably would have said the same thing. But after I met them, I knew that I needed them to meet the kids. I needed them to be part of my life—not a major part, not talking every week or even every month… but I needed that connection, even if it was just Christmas cards and an annual e-mail or something.

And to be honest, the idea of a relationship that was more than the occasional card or e-mail was quite scary to me. As we sat at lunch and I came to realize that this was not just going to be a one-time meeting, I simultaneously started to worry that they were going to want to truly become part of the family… and I wasn't prepared for that.

And that's where God's Hand once again became clear. They were moving. Years ago, Frank bought a house or townhome or something in North Carolina. He rented it out, and planned to use it as his retirement home. And now (at the time we were having lunch) his job in Columbus, which was a contract position, would soon be coming to an end. He and Janet planned to move after his contract was finished. What an amazing God, who could orchestrate our meeting when he lived just two hours away, but just a few short months before he would be moving much farther. We met just in time, but also didn't have to worry about how often to visit or how often they would want to make the trip up. Whew!

And so… there it is. After 28—almost 29—years, I met my biological father. And I met the woman who had helped me to find him, who had been my connection to the past when I wasn't quite sure what my past was. And I shook the whole way home… I shook because it had finally happened… I shook because it was over… I shook because I did want a continuing relationship of sorts with them, and I wasn't sure why… I shook because—well, have I mentioned the word "surreal" yet in the last sentence?

Before we left, Jan had the foresight to ask someone to document our visit with a photo. And so, friends, here you are. Here's a little peek into a day I never thought would come, and certainly never thought I would be sitting here writing down for all to see… Meet my biological father…

Well, I guess I've gotten over the "short post" thing, eh? J Honestly, there is more that I want to share with you, so I hope that you will come back. But that's enough for one post.

Randomness

I have started about 5 different posts in the past 2 days, but haven't been able to finish them. Why? SLEEP DEPRIVATION. In the middle of last week, I was struck with insomnia—ugh! That lasted for a couple of nights… Then on Friday night, I was up all night with a really bad UTI, which means that I then spent Saturday morning at an urgent care center so that I wouldn't be miserable for the whole weekend. I napped a little on Saturday afternoon, and Saturday night wasn't too bad, but I didn't sleep again last night. I say all of that not to complain—honestly—but just to explain why my sentences may not make sense, and why I am not able to create a single coherent post. I apologize in advance.

Here are a few things I wanted to share:

• I have been given the opportunity to speak at a few upcoming events, and I am so excited! I will be basing my talks on my adoption story, partly talking about adoption and my story, and partly focusing on identity and who we are in Christ. I will share more as things get firmed up, etc. And if you or someone you know is looking for a speaker, I would be honored if you thought of me. J
  


• I am trying to plan Grace's party for her upcoming FOURTH BIRTHDAY. This has led me to seriously ponder two big questions: 1-How did my baby get to be four years old already? And 2-How is it possible that she has more friends than I do?
  


• Last week Jon brought home one of those big letter/number foam floor puzzles for the kids, and they LOVE it! Here is one of my favorite snapshots of them right after we put it together:
  


• This week is absolutely NUTS NUTS NUTS for me, so please bear with me if I don't post much. After Saturday, my life will be MUCH calmer. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
  


• I am working on a great study about knowing God better, so I want to leave you with the words of Simon Peter:
  "Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." (1 Peter 1:2-3, emphasis mine) Please remember, God's grace and peace become ours as we grow in our knowledge of Him. May you seek to know Him better today.
  

Have a blessed week.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 25

Let me back up here for just a moment. (This is the danger with the post-as-you-go style of writing a story like this, I guess!) About two weeks before that fateful drive, Frank had sent me pictures. Nothing of "historical" significance, just two snapshots of him and Janet on a vacation they had recently taken. I had always had an image of Frank in my head, based partly on the one photograph I had seen of him (taken in approx. 1980) and partly on what I knew of him—a former Air Force officer, a heartbreaker and womanizer, a man with several failed marriages (and other relationships) under his belt. I pictured him as a hard man, gruff, stubborn, physically fit, and mostly unsmiling.

This image did not fit with the pictures he sent me. In fact, as soon as I opened them, I said, "Jon, look! He looks just like your Uncle Larry!" OK, so that probably doesn't mean much to you, since you likely don't know Jon's uncle Larry. But trust me… the characteristics that I listed above are pretty much the exact OPPOSITE of Uncle Larry. The man in the picture was relaxed, friendly-looking, and decidedly not… well… military-looking. I just couldn't make it fit with who I had always thought Frank to be.

So I went to our meeting that day with a very confused image of who this man really was—but at least with a more accurate idea of what he looked like. J

We had decided to meet at Der Dutchman, a great Amish restaurant about 1.5 hours from where we live, in the heart of Amish country. No, it was not anywhere near a half-way point, but Frank and Janet had wanted to visit Amish country, and were also on the way to visit some of his (and my, I guess) relatives in Pennsylvania. And it's such an idyllic area, it seemed like a good fit—like it would be hard to be stressed there. (But not impossible, I assure you.)

On the drive down, I had a lot of time to think. And talk. And talk. And think. I looked back over the events of the past several years and saw God's Hand leading to this day. I saw how far He had brought me in my maturity, how much more able I was to handle this day, no matter how it turned out. I was also able to sort out a lot of my feelings toward him, which was good. In fact, I'm not sure if I can really put down on paper the things I sorted out in my head that day, but I'll try… I hadn't heard a lot of good things about Frank at that point. I'd heard about his failed marriages, his affair with Jan, his unwillingness to have anything to do with her pregnancy/baby and his reluctance to accept responsibility for his "part" in the pregnancy, his walking out on Janet… well, you get the picture. It doesn't really plant a great impression in your head, does it? But none of those things happened to me. I wasn't angry at him for those things, I was just aware of them. Yes, his refusal to be part of Jan's life when she was pregnant affected me—I think she was planning to keep me if he had wanted to be around and involved in my life—but I was far from angry with him for that. In fact, I was quite grateful—I love my family and am so thankful that I was given to them.

So really, when it was all laid out on the table, that stuff didn't really bother me. My real hurt was wrapped up in his rejection of me when I had tried to contact him earlier. For that hurt and anger, I felt justified. The rest… well, the rest just went to character. It showed that his response to me was fitting for the patterns I saw in his life: When life gets tough, shut the door.

Yep, it was a deep ride down. ;-)

And just when I thought I had it all under control, we pulled into the parking lot. And that's when it really hit me: maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Why had I built this up so much in my head, the idea of meeting this man who had no real claim to my life, no real title to me? Why did I care about seeing someone who had (I told myself) no significance to me?

And once we got beyond the "Hellos" and the "OK, that's who you are, nice to meet you" stuff… What would we talk about???

Ha! You thought this was going to be "it", didn't you? OK, so did I when I sat down to write. But I didn't know all this stuff was going to come out! J So now you're going to have to wait just a little longer.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 24

Even though I felt confident that I could "handle" meeting Frank—that my happiness or sense of identity did not hinge on what he thought of me—I still saw some value in protecting my heart a little. So as we arranged to meet, I set some ground rules. First, we would meet at a neutral location. Frank and Janet had volunteered to come to our house, but that was a little too… personal for me. Instead, we chose a restaurant in Amish country, which somehow seemed like the perfect place. It was a warm, friendly environment, where there would be lots of food to fill any voids in conversation. J It was also far enough from either of our homes so that it felt… safe. I don't mean physically safe—that was never a concern for me—I just wanted to meet him somewhere that was not part of my normal life. Somewhere that I wouldn't run into other people I knew, somewhere that I wouldn't associate with him every time I drove by (if things went badly). Does that make sense at all?

Anyway, second on my list were the kids: They wouldn't be there. This was actually for multiple reasons. Not only was I protecting a little bit of my heart and privacy, it's also quite difficult to have any type of prolonged conversation with a 1-year-old and almost-2-year-old hanging around. Frank and Janet were very understanding about this, and we set a date and time for the four of us to sit down together for lunch.

Even now I'm shaking my head in disbelief. It is somewhat surreal to go from this… theory of being adopted and having a biological father out there, to basically going on a double-date with him and his wife… who just happens to be the woman who helped me to locate him in the first place… and also a woman with whom I had developed some sort of strange family bond over the past several years. How had it come to this?

And then the day came. On May 24, 2008, Jon and I dropped the kids off at my parents' house, then headed south to meet my biological father. Wow. (And no, I didn't remember the date—I had to look it up on my calendar.) On the way down, they called for some reason or another—maybe to check and see how close we were, I can't quite remember—but it went to my voicemail. I checked the message, and it was just so odd to hear Janet's voice after so many years of exchanging e-mails. Then I called back to answer whatever question they had asked… and Frank answered. It was the first time I had ever heard his voice, either. And it was so weird that our first conversation would be something like, "Yeah, we'll be there in about 15 minutes……….. Oh, you're in line? OK, we'll see you there." Not anything of significance.

By the time we pulled into the parking lot, my façade of confidence was gone. I was shaking like a leaf.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 23

Yes—I have escaped! I didn't think I would make it out, but I finally am freed from the aliens that captured me two months ago! What—you don't believe me? They said you wouldn't. Oh well. Anyway, I knew it had been a while since I last posted, but TWO MONTHS? Geez, somebody needs to keep better tabs on me or something. ;-) Actually, I'm quite surprised at how difficult these last few pieces to the puzzle are to write. I have thought about it and talked about it many times, but putting it in writing has been something different altogether. I think, as I have told a couple of you in person over the past few weeks, that it's because the events I'm writing about now are still so recent. To actually write about them really stirs up emotions in ways that talking about them doesn't. It's very odd. So I apologize yet again, and hope that you will accept my apology along with the next installment of my story…………

It's actually somewhat fitting that it took me a while to write this chapter of the story, because it also took me a while to write back to Frank. When I received his e-mail and told Jon that I didn't know quite what to do with it, he immediately said, "Don't write him back right now. It took him years to make the effort to contact you. It is perfectly acceptable—and probably necessary—for you to take a few days or weeks to think about things before you write him back." So that's what I did.

During those days, as I thought and prayed about this whole crazy situation, I was amazed at how disconnected I felt from it all. I knew that whether or not I met Frank, whether or not he liked me, it really didn't matter. (OK, let's be honest. If I had decided to meet the guy, gotten myself all psyched up for it, and then he looked me in the eye and said, "I'm only here to tell you face-to-face to leave me alone and never bother me again!", I probably wouldn't have handled it well. But it would only have affected me in the short term—I would have gotten over it and then just thought he was a jerk. ;-) )

I also realized that this was truly my decision. No one would be surprised if I wanted to meet him, but no one would judge me if I didn't. It was very freeing and allowed me to process everything much more objectively.

And throughout those days, one statement that my mom had made just kept rolling around in my head: "I'd just hate to see you miss this chance, then regret it down the road when it's too late." That sort of summed it up for me. My dilemma wasn't really about whether or not I wanted to meet him right then—it was about whether or not I wanted to meet him ever. Because if I turned him down, who knows what might happen. Maybe he'd be so angry that he humbled himself and I'd shut the door in his face that he wouldn't ever be open to the possibility again. Or maybe he'd move far away and meeting would be too difficult. Or maybe he'd even pass away before we had this opportunity again.

And so, six weeks later, I e-mailed him back and told him that Jon and I would like to meet him and Janet.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 22

Time for another apology, eh? The truth is, I'm working on another project now, and it has been keeping me quite busy. But I don't want to leave you all hanging! If you've been patiently waiting to hear more, I apologize for taking so long. And if you have given up on me because it has been so long… well, then you're not reading this anyway—but I'm still sorry. Here's the next installment…

Life went on from there, as it tends to do when you are married with two small children and have church commitments and family commitments and… well, you get the picture. The whole situation with Frank and Janet getting back together was weird to me, but didn't really affect my life.

It was several months later that it came… out of the blue, I had an e-mail in my inbox. From Frank. My first reaction was that Janet had probably gotten onto his e-mail account and sent it for him, but it quickly became apparent that the message was truly from him. It was much longer than I expected, and he explained—as Janet had done earlier—that he had just been shocked when I had first contacted him. He had thought that the adoption was closed—which it was, he just didn't know the rest of the story—and hadn't ever expected to hear from me. He wasn't ashamed of me, but of his behavior at the time of my conception/birth. And he knew he hadn't reacted well when I contacted him.

And then he said it. "I don't know how you feel now about us being able to at least meet and talk about things, but it's something I would like to do if you agree."

I don't know what I thought I would feel if/when my biological father said those words, but I hadn't expected what I did feel: nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. How could something that had seemed so important just a few years before be so inconsequential now?

Actually, I knew the answer to that. I wasn't the same girl who had sent him that letter, who had stopped by his house. I was much stronger, emotionally and spiritually. I was a married woman, a mother to two beautiful children. I was serving in my MOPS group and my church and loving it. I was certain of who I was, not only in my parents' eyes, not only in Jon's eyes or my children's eyes, but who I was in God's eyes. This man, even though I was thankful to him in a strange way for giving me life, meant nothing to me. I didn't fear his rejection or desire his approval.

It was odd… I couldn't quite process my own feelings—or lack of feelings, I guess I should say. And even though I knew that I had originally pursued him and basically guilt-tripped him into asking to me… I was no longer sure that I wanted to go through with it.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 21

You have all been waiting very patiently for this next installment—thank you. We're really starting to get to recent events here, and even though these are what inspired me to start writing my adoption story, they're still a little awkward for me to actually put down "on paper", so to speak.

So. I sent the e-mail to Janet oh-so-smugly. Frank had turned his back on Jan when she was pregnant with me, then turned his back on me 20 years later when I tried to make contact. He was a military man who had left a trail of ex-wives and girlfriends and a few children behind. I had no doubt that he had been, and would always be, a hard-hearted jerk and a master manipulator. Why on earth would she leave her husband and children for him? (Keep in mind that I was thinking this—it's not what I wrote.)

It didn't take her long to e-mail me back. She had talked to Frank, and they wanted to meet me. I hadn't been certain that this e-mail would come, but it was far from a surprise. Honestly, Janet had talked about coming to meet me before—back when we were talking regularly—and it had never materialized, so I thought that she would make the offer again. I appreciated it, but didn't take it too seriously. So I answered in the one way that I knew would completely take the responsibility off of me…

I told her that I wanted to hear it from Frank.

I hit "send" and I waited. I waited the rest of the day. The rest of the week. The rest of the month. And then I wrote it off. I knew he hadn't changed. I marked that off the list and moved on. The story, as far as I was concerned, was done.

(Incidentally, it's not done… so keep reading! There will be more! J)

Katy’s Family Forest, part 20

Over time, I had pretty much lost touch with Janet. At first we had e-mailed almost daily, then a few times a month, and then she got sick (I believe she has MS… but it could be something else… my memory is a little fuzzy on that…) and I didn't hear from her for several months. After that our contact was sporadic at best. Still friendly and welcome, but just less frequent. In fact, (if I remember correctly), when I e-mailed her to tell her that Matt was born, she said that she didn't even know I was pregnant! So yes, our relationship had definitely dwindled. She had been very happy to hear about Matt, though, and had sent me a nice e-mail with an update on her children (I believe that they had 6—some naturally and some through adoption—but it may be more…) and her husband, etc.

And that was the end of our correspondence for another 7 months, when I got an e-mail from her that absolutely blew me away. She began: "Dear Katy, I don't know how you are going to react to this email but I've decided that I should just go ahead and tell you what's happening." She went on to say that she and Frank had "reconnected" and realized that they were still very much in love. They were planning to be married sometime in the next year. She assured me that I was very special to her, that Frank was very happy to hear about my family, and that she hoped we could continue to stay in touch.

I was absolutely taken aback. Sure, it sounds romantic—they were separated 30 years ago by the death of their child, then reunited and found that they still loved each other. Except for a few important details… Like the fact that he cheated on her over and over and OVER when they were together the first time. That he left her the day of their child's funeral. That he had been married three times before he had lived with her, and then been married five more times after that! Oh, and here's one you don't want to forget: She's married with several children!

It took me a few weeks to e-mail her back. When I finally did, I was very honest with her. I told her that this whole situation made me very sad. It was sad to me that she would leave her husband of so many years for any man. It was especially sad for me that she would leave him for this man. And I also recognized that I had very little room to offer any opinion—after all, they were both grown adults, and as connected as our lives had been in some respects, I had never even met either of them! The absurdity of my family tree was really staring me in the face at that moment.

And then I told her that I didn't feel that we could keep in touch anymore. After all, she was going to be living with this man who had all but told me to get lost. And as much as she claimed he had changed, he had made no attempt to contact or know me in any way. And through his relationship with Janet, he obviously knew exactly where to find me, not to mention the fact that he had two grandchildren. And yet I'd heard nothing—no congratulations, no apology, nothing. It was just too much.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 19

Yes, I am still alive and well, folks. I know it seemed like I dropped off the face of the earth, but I promise that I am still here. No alien abduction, unless you count the three- and almost-two-year-old aliens in my house. ;-) The truth is that my absence can be attributed to two things: The continuation of the most drama-filled year of my life thus far, and my own reluctance to turn the page in my adoption story. We are about to embark on events that have transpired in the last 12 months, and honestly… It is very emotionally draining to go there! It's going to be good, though—so let's get on with it! J

Let me start by updating you all on what has happened with Jan since the time that I last wrote about. Once I realized how childish I had been toward Jan—whether to her face or just in my own heart—and how hard I had been trying to shove our relationship into some preformed mold, I was really able to let go of a lot of those things. My stress level, at least in regard to that relationship, plummeted. I was able to just really enjoy Jan for who she is, and enjoy our relationship for what it is. We now talk about once a month or once every other month, and we see each other a few times a year, and I really look forward to each interaction. And yes, I call her "Grandma Jan" to Gracie and Matt. And it is a wonderfully unique thing that they get to experience that most kids don't—having a whole extra grandma! J

Jan is a fun, intelligent person, and I have to say that in some ways I really like that our views don't always line up. It is very interesting to talk about the areas where we have differences and be able to intelligently discuss our points of view and gain a better understanding of where we both stand. And I truly mean where we BOTH stand—as much as I am better able to understand her thoughts and perspectives, talking to her about these issues also helps me to understand my own thoughts and feelings better as well. Have I already mentioned that I am really enjoying the new life this relationship has taken on?

It sounds like a great ending to the story, doesn't it? And it is—well, it's not an ending, really. It's still very much going on. But you know what I mean. J That part of my life is finally feeling settled and comfortable. My adoption story has worked itself out.

But then again… there's the issue of my birth father. The door had been closed quite firmly back in 2001 with his e-mail that basically said, "Thanks but no thanks. Don't ever contact me again." But then, on September 5, 2007, I got an e-mail from Janet—the woman who had helped me to find Frank—that threw that door wide open.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 18

Actually, life went on from there just fine for a couple of years. Jan and I e-mailed somewhat regularly, and we saw her and her friend once or twice a year. It worked out well for us all… And we didn't really talk about or even think about Frank much, which also worked out well. J

In the meantime, it's time for a little sidebar… Babies. Within the first year of marriage, I decided I was ready to have a child. Jon, though, very wisely thought that we should take some time to get adjusted to married life. But by the time we had been married for a year-and-a-half, I had worn him down… We were off of birth control and trying to get pregnant! Little did we know that God was on Jon's side—He felt we needed more "couple time" before throwing kids into the mix………. It took us almost two years to get pregnant.

Our journey into infertility was nothing compared to others I have known, and it is a whole separate story I could tell. For now, though, let me just say that God is so very good. While I can't say I would like to relive that time in my life, I look back and see His hand and His faithfulness through it all. I know that much of what I know about compassion I learned through that time. I know that my idea of who God is and my perception of trust were shaped during that time. I see amazing opportunities that Jon and I had—like a three-week trip to Europe, a two-week trip to Hawaii, and even building our house—that probably wouldn't have happened if we'd gotten pregnant in our timing instead of God's. All that and so much more… but I digress.

Finally, in mid-2004, we discovered through an exploratory surgery that my tubes were blocked. They were able to remove the blockage, and just a few short weeks later we were expecting our beautiful little Gracie. We were, of course, elated!!! From the moment we found out about her, Grace has been an unbelievable blessing.

Anyway, adding a new generation to the mix also added a new twist to this ever-evolving relationship. At first… well, to be honest, I was kind of angry about it—not about the pregnancy, but about trying to figure out how this whole situation was going to affect my children. I knew that Jan was looking forward to being a grandma alongside my mom and mother-in-law, but I wasn't sure that I wanted her to be one. I wasn't sure who she would be to my children, but I was quite sure that she wouldn't be "Grandma Jan" or anything like it.

I'm embarrassed to say that this lasted for a while—even after Grace was born. In fact, once Grace arrived, Jan made several trips up to visit, and I was always glad to see her… but at the same time I continued to have this inner struggle with the whole idea of how Jan fit into my family.

And then one day, it hit me: I was being completely unfair. I had set up completely unreasonable expectations and had dared her to live up to them. I had been adamant that I did not want her to be a mother to me, then expected her to act like one. I had pressured her to keep in contact more, then pushed her away when she did.

I'm not sure why I had been behaving like such a child. Maybe deep down I had felt some sadness or rejection over her giving me up for adoption, even though I have always been quite grateful to her—even before I knew who she was—for giving me to my family. Or maybe it was because it was such a unique situation, which made it difficult at times, and I just chose to blame her because I needed to place blame somewhere. Or maybe it was just plain a bad way to handle a relationship. Who knows! But it was suddenly very clear that I needed to change my way of thinking.

OK, so we had a unique relationship, one whose rules weren't easily defined by looking at society around us. So? Lots of people have unique relationships—step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, parents they see once a year (or once every five years or ten years or whatever), foster parents, etc, etc, etc. And the bottom line is, every relationship between two people, no matter how "common" it is, is unique because it involves two unique individuals. I had been trying so hard to find a defined role for our relationship that I hadn't just let it be.

It was time to take a deep breath and relax a little bit.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 17

I'd like to just stop for a minute and say thank you to each of you who commented and/or e-mailed me. I really appreciate your support and I am so glad that you're reading this! J You are absolutely right—I need to post more often, both on this topic and just in general. If I tried to write all of the things that are going on here, it would make your head spin. In fact, this morning in ABF (Sunday School) I was asked to share my high and low for the week (an activity that I initiated and led, by the way, so I have no one to blame but myself), and I could hardly narrow either of those down to just one thing, and ended my sharing time in tears! It's just been CRAZY. But I guess that means that God is giving me lots of experiences to write about, right??? So anyway, I promise to do better about writing more often. So now, here's your next look into my story………….

Jan had the unfortunate luck of being the second person to tell me to "respect her feelings." If I'd gotten her e-mail before Frank's, I probably wouldn't have said anything. But her e-mail was second, and I was fed up. I sent her a response that still gets me fired up, seven years later! I made it clear that, even though I am now an adult, I was the innocent child in this whole situation. I was tired of her and Frank acting like I was the one inconveniencing them when they were the ones who got themselves into this mess in the first place! Their awkward feelings were not my responsibility—and by the way, this whole situation was no bowl of cherries for me either. I finished by explaining that she was welcome to join us at my graduation party or not, but that she needed to realize that we would not rearrange our lives to keep from inconveniencing her. There would not be separate graduation parties or birthday parties for our future children. If she had a problem with being around my parents, she would have to miss those celebrations, as well as school programs, recitals, and maybe even things that Jon and I were involved in. It was her choice.

She chose to come to the party.

She actually sent me a nice apology. To be honest, I know that I was probably laying more on her than was really fair, and I think she understood why. But I think it was also important for me to figure out just how much she truly wanted to be a part of my life. From the time I had found out that she was my birth mom, she had been adamant that she wanted to have a close relationship… But then I would go weeks or even months without hearing from her. It was frustrating, and it was also very hard on the people-pleaser in me. Every time that she said she wanted to be closer, I thought it was my fault and that I wasn't doing enough, so I'd try harder to e-mail her and keep in touch, but still get little response. I was very stressed over a relationship that I didn't feel should be occupying so much of my worry. So I guess this was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I think it was a good release in a lot of ways.

So Jan came to the party, Frank obviously didn't J, and we all moved on. For a while.

I know this is a short one, but this seems like a good stopping point for today. But believe me, more is on the way!

Katy’s Family Forest, part 16

My poor heart was really working overtime that day—I probably took days off my life! It was pounding right out of my chest as we left Graeter's (the ice cream shop) and drove toward Frank's house.

We pulled up, and immediately noticed that the pick-up truck was gone. (God has always had a way of protecting me from myself. J) But we pressed on. We parked on the road across the street, and I used the back of one of Jon's business card to write a short note in case no one was home.

Jon wanted to go with me, but I asked him to wait in the truck. I needed to do this myself. So with shaking hands—well, OK, my whole body was shaking—I climbed out of the truck and made my way to his front door, silently praying that he wasn't really home.

He wasn't. But his wife was.

I had no idea if she knew who I was or why I was there, and if not, I wasn't sure I should be the one to explain it. So I just gave her the business card, asked her to give it to Frank, and left.

I didn't know what to expect at that point. I had already made one attempt at contact that had gone unanswered. I had left him my e-mail address on the business card, so I went home and waited. I didn't have to wait long.

A couple of days after our trip, I got an e-mail from Frank. If I had worried that we had somehow found the wrong guy, that was no longer an issue. I still have the e-mail somewhere, but I can sum it up pretty well for you without looking… It said, "Don't ever contact me again. If I change my mind, I'll find you." He said that he had never told his wife about me, and that I had caused some problems for him. He hadn't spoken to Jan since the day I was born, and didn't even know that I knew about her, let alone him—he hadn't ever expected to hear from me, and was quite happy to keep it that way.

I don't take rejection well. Here was a man I had never met, a man who knew I had been conceived but had no interest in caring for me even then, a man with whom I had no emotional connection of any kind, yet with one simple e-mail had completely shattered me. The nicest thing in the whole e-mail said, "Please respect my feelings about this and do not contact me again." Oh, and here's the best part… he started off the e-mail with, "Dear Kathy." He didn't even get my name right.

I was crushed.

Around this same time, my parents were planning a graduation party for me. Yes, I had finished school in December, but Heidelberg is a small college and only has graduation once per year, so my actual graduation wasn't until May of 2001. It wasn't anything big, just a little cookout for family at my mom and dad's. But it just so happened that Jan had e-mailed and said that she wanted to come visit, and one of the weekends she suggested was the same weekend as the party. I told her that would work out perfectly, so she could be there.

Let's just stop here and recap for a minute the amount of absolute insanity that was on my plate right at that moment. I had, of course, the normal life stresses that everyone has… I had just finished my senior year of college, moved home, gotten married, moved in with my new husband, and started a new job (which I already completely disliked). I didn't have any friends close by, and I was trying to find where I fit in my church, which had just been "Jon's church" up until we got married. Those things were stressful, but manageable. But then throw this into the mix: within the past year, my birth mom (who I was still in many ways getting to know) had confirmed to me she was gay, she had a girlfriend who I did not care for at all, I had sought out my biological father, found a dear woman to whom I had no real connection but was really starting to love, and then most recently, had been rejected by the man who I wasn't sure I was ready to meet anyway. It had been a big year.

And so we come back to the graduation party. I enjoy spending time with Jan, but as I mentioned, I did not like her partner at all, and I sometimes found it awkward to "hang out" with them. The party seemed like the perfect opportunity for Jan to be part of something that was important to me, and it would also give us something to do, so I didn't feel like I needed to find ways to entertain them during their visit.

Cue the next drama.

Jan responded with a big e-mail about how she was no longer comfortable to be around my parents. This may seem to make sense at first glance, given the fact that she is my biological parent and they are my "real" parents and I'm sure it all seems very awkward; but keep in mind that this came after 20 years of a relationship between them. Jan had not just been part of my life all that time, but part of theirs, too—and they had been part of hers. They didn't always agree with the choices she made, but they cared about her and had really developed a friendship in the midst of it all. And now she just didn't want to see them anymore. To this day I don't know why, really. I know that my parents feel the same way about homosexuality that I do, and I know that Jan is well aware of their feelings, too, so I am sure that this contributes to it… but in her e-mail, she assured me that it had nothing to do with her being gay. She said she would explain it at a future visit, but she never offered and, to be honest, I never asked. I have enough to worry about in my own life, I didn't want to get in the middle of something that wasn't mine to fret over.

Anyway, Jan ended her e-mail with something along the lines of… "Please respect my feelings about this." Sound familiar? It was the same thing that Frank had said in his e-mail.

I'd had enough.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 15

Janet really was, and continues to be, a blessing—a completely unexpected twist to this already complicated tale, but a welcome one. We became very close through our e-mails, in some ways closer than I was with Jan. I think so much of that was the lack of pressure. For one thing, our entire relationship was online, so there was no nervousness when we "met" or anything like that; and since we were such a surprise to each other, there were no expectations. It was a nice oasis in this whole mess!

I finished college in December of 2000, and then Jon and I were married in February of 2001. It was hectic and crazy, but it was wonderful. I moved home from Heidelberg, got through Christmas, spent the month of January working on last-minute wedding plans, got married, and went on a fantastic honeymoon. I then had another month of time to move in to Jon's house and get settled before launching my new career as a software engineer. I was on the fast-track to becoming a grown-up! J

Meanwhile, it became quite apparent that I wouldn't hear from Frank. I thought that I would be OK with that—after all, that's what I had decided when I sent my letter in the first place. I would drop it in the mail, and let God and the postal system take over from there. But then the "what ifs" started to pop up… What if he had moved and hadn't gotten the letter? What if it got lost in the mail somewhere? What if we had the wrong guy? What if he wanted to respond but was embarrassed by his role in the whole thing to start with? What if he had gotten the letter but lost it before he could respond???? So many questions!

And so it happened that in April we had a chance to visit some friends of ours in Columbus. Jon, as I said before, had graduated from Ohio State University, and enjoyed going back to his old stompin' grounds. And I love the city of Columbus—it's such a pretty area—and am always up for a weekend trip in that direction. J But this time, it was different. I spent the entire time thinking about Frank.

The area where he lived was very close to the part of the Ohio State campus where Jon had spent most of his time, and he was pretty familiar with the neighborhood. So at the end of the weekend we said good-bye to our friends, but we didn't head north. Instead we drove to the little town where Frank lived… and found his house. It was a small ranch… in a quiet neighborhood… a pick-up truck and a car were in the driveway…

We kept driving. I didn't want to stop—how could I just do that? Out of the blue? Just drop in, unannounced?

Jon's favorite ice cream place from his college days was right in that neighborhood, so we decided to get our minds off of things with a couple of scoops. J My heart was POUNDING, and I couldn't even enjoy my ice cream. I was so distracted… Every man who came in made me wonder: What if that's him??? What if we're sitting right next to each other and don't even know it? The picture I had of him was 20 years old—I had no idea what he might look like anymore. I couldn't focus on anything else.

So we decided: We would go back to Frank's house, and this time we were going to stop and meet him.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 14

I was completely unprepared for Frank to be that close. Only two hours away. In Columbus. Our state's capital. Home to Ohio State University, Jon's alma mater. Oh, and coincidentally, only about 30-45 minutes from Jan, my birth mom. They hadn't seen each other or spoken in over 20 years, and they lived less than an hour apart!

I sat on that information for a while. I chewed on it. Now that I had found him… what should I do? What if he had been wondering about me all these years? What if he was waiting for me to contact him? What if he was praying that I didn't? What if he never thought of me at all? And what if, by some chance, we had the wrong guy? A little "Guess what! You're my dad!" letter to the wrong man could really wreak havoc!

Finally, in the middle of my last semester of college, amid finals and honors projects and wedding plans and roommate issues and everything else, I wrote him a letter. I told him who I was and where I was, that I wanted to contact him but needed nothing from him. I didn't need a family or money or… anything else. I just wanted to make contact. I found a recent picture to toss in, and with shaking hands, sent it off to Columbus.

I decided that I had fulfilled my birth-father-search obligation. I had sought him out, found his address, and made an attempt at contact. The ball was now in his court, and whatever he did or didn't do with it was up to him. I was done.

In the meantime, I was developing a wonderfully odd relationship with Janet, the woman who had helped me find him. She was helping me get to know a man I had always wondered about without having to go through the awkwardness of, you know, meeting him.

Through Janet I learned that Frank's wife at the time of his affair with my birth mom had been his third, and that he and that woman had a child just about a year older than me. They were divorced before he and Janet were together, and though he and Janet never married, they lived together for a time in California. They'd had a child together with a rare birth defect, and he had died when he was only a few days old. One could say that Frank didn't handle the loss of his child well—he left Janet the day of the funeral. Of course, he'd also had multiple affairs when they were together—she even caught him in bed with another woman just a few weeks before their child was born.

He sounded like a real peach.

The child they'd lost was actually the reason that Janet had been trying to contact him. She had remarried and now had several children with her husband—some biologically and some adopted—but one of their children had also been born with the same birth defect that her child with Frank had. This child had lived longer—until he was 14—but eventually succumbed to the illness. (I know you're curious, but I cannot for the life of me remember what the illness was.) Anyway, she now lived in Illinois and wanted both of her children buried together. She needed Frank's approval to move their son from California to Illinois. So she searched for him online, found him, then found us! By the way, he refused permission.

I was starting to wonder why I had even tried to contact him. It made the silent response to my letter a little easier to bear.

Through Janet I also got the only real look at Frank I'd ever had. She sent me a picture of him holding his daughter Kristen—the one who was just a year or so older than me—when she was about 3 years old. She also sent me an old slide of his parents, and told me a little bit about his family. They were from Pennsylvania… his dad had died years ago, and his mom was alive but suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. I believe he had a younger brother maybe, too…

Janet was a real God-send. It was wonderful to have this connection, and yet feel very protected from the harsh reality that seemed to be my birth father. And she was thrilled to feel that her child with Frank had another sibling, and welcomed me as part of their family. By e-mail I heard all about her husband, her children, her job… It really was like we were family, as though my lineage weren't complicated enough.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 13

Jan—let's call her Janet, to keep her straight from my birth mom J—quickly e-mailed Jon back to confirm that we were indeed talking about the same person. I'm still not sure how she was so confident. I'm telling you, we're not talking about a real unique name here, people. Anyway, Jon passed her e-mail on to me to handle as I saw fit. You see, I hadn't truly expected to find him. Before Jon had come across this messageboard, I had decided that I didn't want to invest the money in the investigator he had talked to. I didn't imagine in a million years that we would be able to contact him on our own. So now that the opportunity was right there in front of my face, I was no longer so sure I wanted to go forward with it. Jon assured me that he would leave the ball in my court.

But then, for some reason, he didn't. He felt obligated to respond to Janet's e-mail, and he told her why we were searching for Frank. It seems like such a minor detail now, so unimportant, but at the time I was absolutely devastated. This was a big step for me, and I wanted to take it in my way, on my time. Instead, he'd pushed me right down the staircase!

It was probably the shove that I needed, though. I now felt that I had no choice but to e-mail this woman about this man who I wasn't even sure I wanted to find. So I did. I told her who I was—probably reiterated a lot of the things Jon had already said—and explained why I was looking for Frank. I had no idea when I hit the "send" button what an integral part of my life she would become over the next several years.

Somewhere I still have that first e-mail that Janet sent me. I was in awe of how God had dropped her in our laps—I still am. Yes, she said again, we were talking about the same Frank… and she also knew who I was. She and Frank had had a relationship shortly after his relationship with my birth mom—but theirs had been… well, more "real", for lack of a better word. While I surmise that Frank's relationship with Jan had been a fling (and had definitely been an affair), he and Janet had been in a long-term, somewhat-committed (more on that later) relationship. One where they lived together and had a child together as a result of actually TRYING to get pregnant. She had known about Frank's affair with Jan and knew that they'd had a child who had been given up for adoption. And now here we were, 21 years later, "meeting" for the first time by the miracle of the internet.

And then I got it—Frank's address. I'm not sure if the message Jon had come across online was an old one, or if she had found him in the interim or what, but she now had his physical address. And she sent it to me.

And this man… the one who had lived in Colorado when I was born… who had lived in California when I was a child… who had traveled the world as a member of the Air Force… lived in Columbus, Ohio. Two hours away from me.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 12

As if entering my senior year of college, planning a wedding, and finding out that my biological mother was gay weren't enough… for some reason, that summer it became very important to Jon that I locate my biological father. To be fair, it's not like he was pushing me in a direction I didn't want to go—I had at some point told him that I felt I was ready to start searching for this man. When I had first found out the details of my adoption from my parents, knowing that Jan was my birth mom was enough. I didn't want to push any harder—I couldn't take any more! But now two years had gone by, my relationship with Jan was settling into its own unsteady rhythm, and I was becoming a stronger person. I felt that I could handle whatever lay behind that door.

Theoretically.

In all honesty, when I told Jon that I was ready to search for my biological father—Frank—I just meant I was ready to spend a few minutes on the internet Googling him (Did we have Google back in 2000?) and then give up and say, "Well, at least we tried." But to Jon, this became a real mission.

So let's start with what Jan knew about him. It wasn't much. She knew his name (which is a very common one, both first and last), the state that he lived in when they met, that he was also in the Air Force, and that he was married at the time of their relationship. Her last direct contact with him was on the day that I was born, or maybe the day after, when she told him that she had given me up for adoption. She knew that he had lived in California at some point after that, but had no address or anything like that.

That was it. Wait—I believe we even knew his MIDDLE INITIAL. Yep, now THAT is a detail, folks! Seriously, it wasn't much to go on, and we weren't even sure where to start. Jon, a landlord who periodically has to track down tenants who chose to skip town without paying their rent, quickly thought to contact a man that he sometimes used to aid with finding such tenants. He agreed to help, but warned us that it could be expensive. He talked to us about some options to keep cost down… like he would print out a list of every man with that name in the right age range who had a military background, and then Jon and I could do further research on each person on the list to eliminate the wrong ones. Yikes!

I was ready to give up. I was reading the writing on the wall: Don't go down this road. But now that we had started, it was hard to stop. Especially for Jon. When he would get burned out at the office and need a break (He was a workaholic who often stayed at the office until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, only to return by 7:30 or 8:00.), he would search online for anything that might help.

And that's how we got our big break. He somehow came across a messageboard for people searching people who had been in the military. (Did ya follow that?) And do you know what he found? A message from a woman named Jan searching for a man named Frank (with the same last name as my birth father) who had been in the Air Force in the 70s and 80s. He knew that the woman was not my birth mom, but it seemed like more than a coincidence. He used her profile to contact her and explain what little we knew of my birth father (without disclosing why we were looking for him), and asked if it was possible that we were seeking the same person.

We were.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 11

Oh my GOODNESS, it's been far too long since I picked up my story. I am so sorry. How do you all put up with me??? Well, here I am now, avoiding the laundry that is calling my name, ignoring the fact that I am taking three trips in the next month and haven't even started thinking about them, refusing to see the dust gathering on the furniture. I have a blog that demands attention! J

Well, I'm sure you don't want me to get off on a huge tangent here, so I'll try to keep this part of the story as brief as possible. I went to lunch that day with Jon, his half-brother, and my cousin. Needless to say, she and I didn't have any deep conversation about her relationship with her destructive boyfriend. But during that lunch… oh yeah, and another one a week later… I realized that I was not quite over my childhood crush on Jon. Between that and some mad matchmaking skills of my cousin, Jon and I went on our first date on January 29, 2000.

That date was followed by a second and a third and… well, you get the idea. J After several years of dating and wondering how I would know when I had met "the one", I realized just how easy it could be. Within two months we were talking about marriage, and Jon officially popped the question on May 20, 2000. We were married on February 17, 2001, and have been living happily ever after ever since! J

Anyway, while we were engaged, we went to visit Jan. I honestly don't remember when she first met him—but I'm pretty sure this visit wasn't the first time. I could be wrong, though. But either way, there we were, an awkward little foursome: me, Jon, Jan, and Roommate Pam. Whether or not it was the first time Jan had met my husband-to-be, it was definitely the first time I had visited her—she had always come to me. And one thing became very obvious very fast: it was a two-bedroom duplex where only one bedroom was being used.

Yes, I'd had my suspicions, but I don't think I really believed them—or maybe I just didn't really want to face them. But now there was no question. And it became even more evident the next day when Pam came to me and Jon and said, "There are some things that Jan wants to talk to Katy about privately. She's uncomfortable to say anything, but I don't mind telling you—she needs some time alone with you." So later that day the four of us went somewhere and decided for some reason that it was better to take two cars… so I rode with Jan and Jon rode with Pam.

And that was when we had the talk.

"I think it's important that you know… that I am gay," she told me.

"I know," I said.

"You know?"

Why do we always think we're better secret keepers than we are? I remember trying to keep things from my parents as a child and teenager… they always knew. I think Jan honestly believed that no one had any inkling of her orientation. But the signs were all there, and it didn't take a genius to put the pieces together.

Anyway, it was an odd conversation, and it was one that could have ended a fragile relationship, but it didn't. I was honest with Jan about my view of homosexuality, but I also assured her that I disapproved of her lifestyle and not of her as a person. I have any number of flaws and sinful struggles, and if someone chose to just label and view me as one of my struggles, they probably wouldn't waste their time on me. But I would hope that people chose to see beyond those flaws and love me anyway. That's how I feel about Jan. I continue to wrestle with her stance on homosexuality and her view of Christianity (and there will be more on that later…), but I also continue to love her. And ultimately, it was good to not wonder anymore. It was nice to have all of the facts out on the table, you know?

Katy’s Family Forest, part 10

So much of the next few years, Jan and I just spent time redefining our relationship. Who were we to each other, exactly? What were the expectations? The parameters? Honestly, we're still working on that.

After all, to Jan I have always been her daughter… but that's still a little bit weird for me. I mean, I have a mom (and a dad J) and it's not her. She was always a family friend, and someone who I really liked, but I felt no real connection to her, no familial love. It was difficult to just flip that switch. And I think we both struggled with how much we should expect to be in touch, how often we should see each other, that kind of thing. No real template exists for this kind of relationship, you know? We had no Robert's Rules of Order to follow, no Miss Manners to consult. So we muscled through, and though there were times that I was frustrated with her—and I'm sure vice versa—we managed. J

And now comes another sticky part to the story. Although most people who know me "in real life" know about this, I'm hesitant to put it out there on the blogosphere, because I know not everyone is going to have the same viewpoints and opinions that I do. That's OK. Please understand and respect that this is my story, and I am not trying to put anyone down, but just to tell the story from my perspective. OK, there's my disclaimer.

So a few months after Jan and I had "reconnected," I started to notice a pattern. Yes, Jan moved a lot, as I had mentioned before. But she also rarely lived alone. Most of the time that I had known her, she'd had a roommate—and not the same roommate, but a series of them. Honestly, this had never struck me as odd, that two single women might just want to share an apartment; but shortly after that first time she came to see me as my birth mom, she introduced me to her new roommate. Let's call her Pam.

The very first time that I met Pam, I knew. They weren't just roommates. And THAT is really when I started to think about the fact that Jan had lived with several women in the years that I had known her. Now that doesn't mean that every one of them was a girlfriend, but looking back I'm pretty sure that Pam wasn't the first one.

Still, I was only 19 and honestly had never known anyone who was gay, so I asked my parents if they thought that she was. They weren't sure either, but weren't ruling it out. I decided that at that particular point in time, Jan and I had enough to deal with, and I was going to leave well enough alone. It didn't take long for me to be certain, though. I could just tell every time I was around the two of them. Sometimes I could tell by the way they talked and laughed together, other times by the way that they fought; but each time they interacted, it wasn't just as women who shared an apartment to cut rent in half. Oh, and then there were the matching gold and diamond rings that they wore on their left hands. That too.

I could tell that Jan thought I didn't know, and I could tell she preferred it that way, so I still just chose to leave it alone. Still, it raised a lot of questions for me… I mean, obviously at some point she wasn't gay, so when did this happen? Why? How long ago? And yes (please remember, this is my story), I believe that homosexuality is a sin… So what did this mean for her salvation (as she was—and is—a professing Christian)? And how would it affect our relationship?

These are, by the way, questions I still ask myself. To this day I don't know all the answers.

In the meantime, my own personal life was getting back on track. After my big heartbreak the same summer I learned about Jan, I had a few more rough months… but then God really got ahold of my heart, and fortunately He's never let go. Things turned around dramatically sometime around Christmas of my sophomore year. I realized that I was weary of being so darn stubborn, and I just needed rest in His arms and His love—as hard as life as a Christian can be, it's so much easier to let God lead than to attempt to do it on your own.

Fortunately, this also seriously changed the type of guy I was looking for. Whew! (That was me breathing a sigh of relief for myself.) I had one semi-serious relationship with an old friend from Bible quizzing, but honestly that was over long before we broke it off. Still he was a decent, intelligent, nice, respectful guy—nothing like anyone I had dated for the two years prior.

And then while I was home for Christmas break in my junior year, I got a phone call from my aunt. Her youngest daughter—3 or 4 younger than me—was making some bad decisions in the boy arena, and my aunt asked if I would try to talk to her. Ha, like I had been a great role model. At least I could speak from experience! So I called and asked if I could take her out to lunch. She asked me if I would pick her up from work to go.

Julie was still in high school, but was also working… hmmm, now that I think about it, I can't quite figure out how that worked. Maybe she worked after school and during breaks or something, I don't remember. Anyway, her boss was a man named Jon. She had gotten the job because her sister was married to one of Jon's best friends, and her family had gotten to know Jon over the years… And by "her family" I mean both her immediate and her extended family. As in me. I had met Jon when I was only 12 (he was 17), and I had a HUGE crush on him. For YEARS. All through junior high and high school. The last time I'd seen him was when my cousin and his friend had gotten married—we were both in the wedding. I had a boyfriend at the time, and I cried the whole way home from the wedding, because I still had such a crush on Jon! My poor boyfriend had no idea what was going on. Poor kid.

No wait. I had seen him one time after that. Yikes, this is even worse. He was the owner of a teen club, and I went to it with Julie… just to see him. YEAH, like the fact that I was still young enough to be admitted to the teen club that he owned would be real impressive……. (By the way, he does not remember that night. Just as well. Not one of my shining moments.)

Anyway, that had been two or three years ago. Since the wedding, I had graduated from high school (valedictorian of my class), gone to college (with a huge scholarship!), excelled in all of my classes (the only girl in my particular field of study!), and was doing just fine, thankyouverymuch. I was not nervous in the least to see this guy I had drooled over for a good six years of my life, and I of course had no interest in him now. That, by the way, was my pep talk to myself on the way to Julie's office, where I was quite likely to run into Jon again.

I went in, anxious both about seeing him again and trying to have this serious talk with my cousin who I was quite certain didn't even want my advice. I didn't need to worry about the second one. She had known what was coming and decided to avoid it by playing off of my first anxiety… she invited Jon to come to lunch with us.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 9

I think I was in a fog for the rest of the day, maybe the next several days. My mind was working overtime, putting together all of the pieces of my relationship with Jan over the years. I may have come to the conclusion that she was my birth mom before my parents told me, but that doesn't mean I was really able to wrap my mind around it right away!

The next morning I decided to call Jan and let her know that I had found out everything. Did I mention that Jan moved around a lot? The last time I had seen or talked to her was at my high school graduation, about a month before my 18^th birthday. I am assuming that she backed off after that because she was giving me space—she probably figured that I would find out about her within a few days of turning 18, and she wanted me to be able to get in touch with her when I felt comfortable. I'm sure she didn't expect me to wait over a year to search her out.

Anyway, apparently in that time, she moved. The previous summer she'd lived with a roommate in Columbus, and we called that apartment first… only to find out that she had moved suddenly and not left a forwarding address or phone number. We had one other contact—the family Jan had lived with when she was pregnant with me. We called them, but they didn't know where she was either.

This was getting more complicated than I was ready to deal with.

And then… are you ready for this? The phone rang. Guess who.

Yep, I hadn't heard from Jan in over a year, and now, WHILE I WAS TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO CONTACT HER, she called. Out of the blue. She had no idea that we were trying to get in touch with her.

Honestly… I don't remember much about that first conversation. I know that I answered the phone. I know that I told her I knew she was my birth mom, and I know she was relieved. But that's really all I remember. I don't think we got into any great details that day, but we set up a time for her to come visit.

That is when we were really able to talk.

It's difficult to relay to you my full story without telling hers… but I really don't want to betray her privacy. So let me sum up a lot by saying… Jan didn't come from a stable background. She'd had a lot of struggles as a child and teenager, and she finally decided to join the Air Force. She felt that would give her some stability, some discipline.

And then she met him. Jan was a mechanic in the Air Force, and there was a crash involving aircraft from her base, so the Air Force sent an officer to investigate. The man who would become my birth father. I honestly don't know how much of a relationship they had—I know that she still says she was very much in love with him. I also know that he lived in a different state. And he was married. Not the makings of a healthy, committed relationship.

When Jan got pregnant with me, it was mandatory that she leave the Air Force—adultery is not allowed. My birth father would have been asked to leave as well, except that she wouldn't tell anyone who he was. So suddenly she was on her own again. She returned to Ohio, to a pastor and his family who had taken her in during her late teen years, and then decided to go to Bible college.

In the meantime, by the way, my birth father was not offering any help to her… until a friend of hers basically blackmailed him. She threatened to tell his commanding officer that he was the father, which as I said before would have ended his career in the Air Force. So he started paying for her medical bills—although he didn't know that she had insurance that was already covering that. (Remember way back when I said my parents had wanted to help with her expenses, but she didn't need it? And the judge said if they had given her any money, he would have taken the baby away? Yeah, God works in mysterious ways……….)

And that was really all she could tell me. She knew his name, where he was stationed when the two of them met, and… well, that was pretty much it. Not much to go on if I wanted to find him… but then again, at that point, I really didn't. Right then I already had enough on my plate.

We had a good evening of just catching up and exchanging memories and filling in some gaps. And we promised to be in touch more.

But believe me, the story is far from over.

Katy’s Family Forest, part 8

So my parents decided to reach out, to give my biological mother a chance to be part of my life.

And that—basically from "part 5" to now—is what they shared with me that Sunday afternoon in August of 1998. No, they didn't just leave me in suspense… but when they got to that part, I knew. "It's Jan, isn't it?" I said.

They just stared at me. "Did you know?" my mom asked.

No, I hadn't found out early. I hadn't known when they started or when they talked about the connection with my Aunt Joan or at any specific point in the story… it had just sort of come to me, throughout the course of the talk.

I think I mentioned early in this whole story that I had wondered about my biological family as I was growing up. I think it's only natural, knowing that you're adopted, to wonder. I would wonder about the cashier at the grocery store or the lady crossing the street in front of us or even (and in some ways, especially) people we would see when we were traveling—on a bus in Seattle, in a restaurant in Colorado, at a hotel in New York. It's not that I was obsessive about it, it's just one of those daydreams that flitters through your mind when you're not thinking about anything else. "Could this be…?"

And throughout my life, I would wonder about certain people we knew, especially single women with no kids. They just seemed to fit the mold of possibilities, and Jan was one of them.

Jan had always been a "family friend" as far as I was concerned, and although she was younger than my parents and didn't really live close by, I never really questioned her connection with my parents. I knew that she had gone to the same Bible college that they had at one time attended, and it never really occurred to me that they wouldn't have all been there at the same time.

But now, things were clicking. I was making connections in my head—phone calls on my birthday, Jan coming to a piano recital… my graduation… things like that. They hadn't stood out to me as odd before, but now they made sense in a whole new way.

And then they explained how it had all come about. Now at this juncture I need to explain that there is a chance I am going to get some of the details wrong on this next little bit… I am purposefully not going back to my parents to ask them to confirm every little thing I am about to tell you, because I want it to be my story, the way that I remember it—or at least, the way I remember hearing it that day.

I believe I was about a year old before my parents made contact with Jan. They called my aunt who had helped put them together in the first place, and explained that they wanted to meet her. They went out to visit, and I think that they met at church the first time. In fact, I don't think Jan ever saw me that day—I was in the nursery, and I don't think she felt ready to go back and see the baby that she had given up.

Shortly after that, my parents extended an invitation for her to come to their home. I don't know who all was over that day, but I know my mom said that Jan held me and went outside, and she carried me as she walked all the way around the outside of their house. I can't even imagine all of the thoughts and emotions that must have been inside of her that day as she held the child she never thought she'd see again.

And that's how it started. Over the years, Jan really did become a family friend. She had a lot going on in her own life—although that's her story to tell, not mine—and I think my parents felt like they had adopted both of us at times! She moved a lot, most of the time within Ohio, but at one point I remember her living in California, but we would usually see her at least a couple of times per year.

I liked Jan (I still do, of course J), and it was neat to hear the story and see it all come together… but it was still a lot of information. A lot of emotion. A lot of confusion. My parents gave me some papers that they had been saving for me—the card from my hospital bed, letters from the attorney, my adoption certificate, medical information on my biological parents, and a letter that Jan had written to my mom the day after I was born. It was so great… and yet so much.

My head was spinning, and my body was literally shaking. I just couldn't take it all in.

And then, it was time for me to go to work.