Trust is a lot easier when you don’t have any choice

So I woke up at 5:30 this morning (Nothing like just jumping back in after an absence, right? I'll get back to that later. For now just go with me on this…) and could tell that the Lord wanted to talk. So I did what any normal person would do. I said, "Lord, let's talk at 7:00. That's a much more spiritual hour." And I rolled over to go back to sleep.

Except that I DIDN'T go back to sleep. As I lay in bed, all of the things that God wanted to discuss kept running through my mind, until finally, at 5:50, I said, "OK, Lord, let's talk. I'll meet you in the bathtub."

I grabbed my Bible and devotional book and started a hot bath. Then I sat down, opened my devotional, and laughed out loud when the title of my devotion for this morning was, "I am washed by God." J

The devotional didn't really tell me anything I didn't know, but it provided a much-needed reminder: God has washed me whiter than snow. He has taken the stains in my life and cleansed them. He has given me a fresh start.

A fresh start, I thought. I could really use one of those. Lord, if You're willing to give me one, then maybe I could give one to myself. So here I am, starting fresh. No looking back, no promises for tomorrow, just starting with a clean slate for today.

As a standard part of his routine, comedian Mike Birbiglia does something that he calls "My Secret Public Journal." To me, that's sort of what this blog is. It's a way for me to journal—which, as much as I like to write, has never been a strength for me. This is where I can express my thoughts and feelings and talk about everything that is going on in my life, things that I may be reluctant to share with people face-to-face so I write them down because it feels a little more private… and yet I am sharing it all with all of you in the hope that what is ministering to me may also speak to your heart.

So with that in mind, here is an update on what's happening here:

• I know that I have shared with you all that I am going to counseling now, and some of the crazy emotional roller coaster that I have been on. During the course of my counseling, my counselor recommended a book called How to Handle Your Emotions by June Hunt. If you are struggling with the emotions covered in the book—anger, depression, fear, grief, rejection, and/or self-worth—it is a book that I highly recommend. It is all at once clinical, spiritual, practical, and easy to read. It was exactly what I needed to help me understand what I have been feeling and start to heal a little. I also bought a devotional by the same author called Seeing Yourself through God's Eyes, another book that I am thoroughly enjoying—and the book that brought me here this morning. These books have also helped me to learn some other things, but… even with my "Secret Public Journal" there are some things that I like to mull over before I lay them out there for all to see, you know?
  
• After four years of… searching, of going to churches and getting connected to people but not really feeling "at home", of wondering when God was going to just finally speak audibly so we would know where He wanted us, we have found a new church home. And aaaaahhhhhhh, it feels good. We are getting settled into the Chapel in Akron, where we have found a great ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship—basically like a Sunday School), fantastic ministries, and a real sense of belonging. We have regularly attended two other churches in the past 4 hours, and hear me say this: they are wonderful churches with fantastic people. We loved many things about each of those churches—we just knew that they weren't the place that God had intended for us. And so now we are starting the process of developing relationships and getting involved and all of those things that are both exciting and overwhelming at first.
  
• The MOPS year will be starting again next month, and I am again the Coordinator for our group. It's going to be interesting this year, as we used to attend the church where MOPS is held, and I think that is a huge advantage. But I am excited to have the same four women (myself included) come back to the Steering Team—I know that we can all be more effective now that we have a feel for our roles and the dynamics of the group. And it feels like the theme, which focuses on relationships, was hand-picked by God for Rootstown MOPS. Thank you, Lord!
  

And I guess that's about it. Oh… except for maybe one little thing…

I'm pregnant!

That's right, friends and readers, our family is about to grow again. This was an unexpected but very welcome surprise for us. So far I've been feeling pretty "blah", but haven't really been too sick. I have discovered that there are certain "trigger foods" that I need to avoid… like grapes, yogurt, and turkey sandwiches. Yep, those wild and crazy foods. Unfortunately, onion rings seem to go down just fine.

It's not been all smiles and excitement, though. Because of some things that were discovered during our infertility journey, I am at an increased risk for a tubal pregnancy. In order to be safe, we always have an ultrasound at about 6 weeks, just to be sure that the baby is in the right spot. So I went to my first appointment, and we scheduled the ultrasound for this past Monday.

In the meantime, I started spotting, the Friday before the ultrasound. I never had that with my first two, so even though I had heard that it was a semi-normal thing to occur, I called my midwife. She told me not to worry, but to take it easy—no heavy-lifting, etc. The spotting continued through the weekend (It's still going on now, actually.), and on Sunday was bad enough that I called the OB/GYN's office and talked to the doctor on-call. She again told me to take it easy and just to wait and see what the ultrasound said, especially since I wasn't having any cramps. I asked her, "Let's say that it gets worse, and I do start having cramps. Is there any reason to go to the emergency room, or… not?"

"You mean, can we do anything to help?" she asked. "No, this is really something your body has to take care of on its own, one way or another."

So we went to the ultrasound the next day, got the picture going, and there was our beautiful little blip. J The baby was right in the uterus—yay!—and had a heartbeat—double-yay! The EDD based on the ultrasound was about 8 days later than the original one based on my last period, but that didn't bother me at all.

After the ultrasound we saw the doctor. (We see a midwife, but apparently they are not allowed to "interpret" ultrasounds, so we had to see the doctor that day.) This man is not exactly oozing with emotional connections and bedside manner. So it took me quite by surprise when he said, rather matter-of-factly, "Well, it looks like we've got some concerns here." We do? Apparently the combination of spotting and a small baby can be an indicator that things aren't going well. He even said that the heartbeat could be a "false positive"—that sometimes the ultrasound shows something that looks like "cardiac activity" but is actually something else.

At the same time, the dates just could be off, and I could just be having some normal spotting.

So now we wait. We go back in three weeks, and see if we can still hear a heartbeat. If we can, then everything should be fine. If not, then… well, not.

But here's the thing. It all sounds very scary to me to say it out loud, to see it in print. I read what I just wrote and think, "That mom is probably worried out of her mind." But I'm not.

Do you know why? There is not one single thing that ANYONE can do to change what is happening inside my better, for better or worse. If we had an ultrasound EVERY SINGLE DAY from now through the end of the first trimester, it wouldn't change anything. The treatment wouldn't change. The pregnancy wouldn't change.

I have never felt so completely out of control in my entire life. And it is extremely freeing.

God is in complete control of this situation. Man can do nothing. It also means that I don't need to be constantly watching for some sign that I need to call my doctor or rush to the hospital. There is nothing they can do—it is in God's hands. And yes, I am hoping for a happy ending. I am praying for it. And really, I truly believe that we will get it. But even if we don't, I know that whatever happens is exactly what God has planned.

A couple I know lost a baby when she was just weeks old. They talk about the impact that they unknowingly had on the people around them—family, friends, hospital staff, etc. People have come to them years later to say, "We were astounded by your complete faith and trust in God." And the couple will tell you, they didn't trust in God so that they could be an example to others. They weren't putting on a show or even necessarily working at it—they trusted God because there was nothing else to do.

I can't even begin to compare my situation to theirs. But I understand that kind of trust. To be very honest, at no point in this situation have I said, "God, I have to put this in Your hands and trust You with this." I didn't have to start trusting Him… I just did it.

So why do I have to work so hard to trust God with other things in my life? With the parenting decisions that I make, with my relationships, with my ministry? Sometimes, friends, it's easier to trust when you don't have any choice.

So Lord, thanks for another lesson on trust—apparently I have a hard head when it comes to that. Thanks for being trustworthy. Thanks for watching after us—all of us, even those we can't see yet.

And to you, thanks for listening. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement in my absence, now, and always. I look forward to sharing this pregnancy and the many other aspects of this crazy thing I call life with you. J

Transparency

Well, folks, it's time for a little honesty. It's not pretty, but it's where I am today.

On Sunday night, I had an amazing time with the Lord. My husband and I had gone to a friend's house, where my husband made use of the indoor pool. I opted out of swimming, going for a jog in the neighborhood instead. I finished before my swimmer, so I found a quiet spot by a pond in our friend's yard and laid down to rest. It was around 9 PM and still surprisingly light outside. As I lay there, staring at the single star in the sky, I was overtaken by the vastness of the sky, the universe beyond me. I turned off my iPod and started to pray—and strangely, as small as I felt right there and then, I also felt a connection with God unlike I have ever really experienced.

After that night, I decided to do a two-day fast. There are some struggles that we are having, and I felt that God was really asking me to let go and lay them at His feet. To be fair, I will keep the specifics private—but to ease your fears if you know us, it's nothing between us. J

I have done many fasts before, but I have to say that this was probably the most significant and… purest fast I have completed. By that I mean that my motives were pure (no hidden weight-loss agenda J) and that I was able to keep focused on why I was fasting. (Often I get to the end of my fast and think, "Wow, I'm glad that's over. Oh, I guess I forgot to really be praying about the things I was fasting for…") I was able to appreciate what a beautiful metaphor fasting is in giving your struggles over to God, trusting Him to supply my needs instead of relying on my own human senses.

And I prayed and prayed and prayed. Several topics kept coming up in my prayers. And I thought about the fast and the metaphor, and I was thankful for the way God was teaching me.

At the end of the two days, I took a deep breath, thanked God, and took a bit of food. J I did not get, nor did I expect, a miraculous solution to my prayers, but I felt comforted.

But that was yesterday. Today I am feeling discouraged and forgotten. I did not, as I said, expect the areas I was praying for to suddenly be fixed, but I think that there's a part of me that thought, "I've been earnestly fasting and praying about this for two days—it's going to start to get better." But it hasn't—and in many ways, it's gotten worse.

I stopped in my husband's office this morning, and I told him I was feeling discouraged. I suppose it doesn't help matters that I'm just generally having a lousy day—my kids are tired and grouchy, they are with a sitter today but Matt sobbed when I left, I'm not having a lot of luck with the errands I need to run, that kind of stuff. Anyway, I told him how frustrated I was, and he pointed me to a business deal that he was just able to close this week, which is a real blessing to us. It's not completely closed yet, but it has all come together so easily and seemed so perfect. Yes, I agreed, God has really worked that out, and I'm thankful for that. And then, while we were talking about it, some people we have never met before walked into his office and said, "We live next door to that house you're selling, and we have a problem." You've GOT to be kidding, Lord.

So here I sit in Panera, feeling very… heavy… spiritually, of course. And also, thankful for the free wireless Internet access. And while I would like to feel sorry for myself, God is reminding me that this pain I am feeling… it's hunger pangs. It's my earthly body searching for an earthly solution. But the answer isn't there. The answer isn't earthly, it is heavenly. My heavenly Father is the only one who can truly fill my needs. And while that doesn't necessarily make the hunger pangs disappear right away, it provides comfort to know that He will provide. Maybe not exactly what I think He should or when I think He should… but exactly what I need, when I need it.

As I was pondering all of this in the car earlier today, this song came on. It has always been one of my favorites, and the lyrics really struck my heart this morning. If you are hurting or feeling like you need some peace, I hope they will speak to you as well. Oh, and even if it sounds like I'm working my way out of my discouragement, if you could spare a prayer for me, I definitely wouldn't argue. J Thanks for indulging me.

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

"Even if..." Faith: Trusting God no matter the outcome

A few years ago I went to a Women’s Retreat that changed my faith. The topic of the weekend was “Trust”, an issue that I didn’t feel would be too hard for me. Little did I know what God had in store.

A few months prior to the retreat, my husband and I had started trying to get pregnant. The morning of the retreat I called my best friend, who was going with me for the weekend, and said, “I think I’m pregnant! I haven’t taken a test, but here are my symptoms…” She had two children (which of course made her the pregnancy expert in my mind) and quickly agreed that I must be feeling the twinges of the first trimester. That evening at the retreat, my period started. How disappointing. Still, it had only been a couple of months. No big deal—maybe next month.

And then wouldn’t you know, the next morning our focus was on Hannah. Hannah, who begged God for a son. Hannah, who remained barren year after year. Hannah, who was sometimes so depressed she couldn’t eat. But then Hannah had Samuel, and her prayers were answered. The idea that stuck with me from this discussion was that God didn’t give Samuel to Hannah because she “struck a deal” with Him. Samuel was in God’s plan all along—but she had to wait for God’s timing. “OK, God,” I thought, “whenever you want me to get pregnant is fine with me. I’ll trust in your timing.” This retreat was all about trust, after all. Maybe it wouldn’t be next month, but I’d trust Him for the timing, whenever it was.

A little while later we had our third and final session, this time on Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego—“The Three Musketeers”, our speaker called them. Of course, most of us know the basic story: King Nebuchadnezzar had a large statue made and ordered everyone to worship it. These three men refused and were thrown into a fiery furnace. Even though the furnace was so hot that the soldiers who had thrown them in were killed by the heat, the men were unharmed—they didn’t even smell like smoke when they came out. What an amazing story of God’s power. But the focus of our retreat, remember, was on trust—not on what God did, but on what the men were willing to let Him do in their lives. You see, they didn’t have faith because God saved them from the fire… they had faith regardless of what He would choose to do. “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17&18, emphasis added) “Even if…” They knew what God could do, but they were going to trust Him to do what He willed.

“Even if…” After our speaker was finished, we had time to go over some questions she had given us and journal for a while. That’s when God really spoke to me. “You’ve been willing to trust Me with when you have a baby, but are you willing to trust Me with if?” Wow, I hadn’t really thought about that one. “Even if he does not…” Was I ready to make that statement? Was I ready to trust Him even if I didn’t know I’d get the outcome I felt I “deserved” as a reward for my trust? Then again, if I knew the outcome, there wasn’t much trust involved, was there?
It was then that I knew that I wouldn’t get pregnant that month, or the next, or the next. In fact, it took nearly two years—and a minor surgery—before we were blessed with our first pregnancy, our beautiful Grace. I’m not saying it was easy, but I look back on that time and see the richness of the things God taught me through those months. And even if Grace had never come, even if I were writing this article with a different ending to a different group, God would still be God, and I would still trust Him.

How often do we trust God to work when He wants, as long as He does it how we want Him to? “God, if you heal me I will have such an amazing testimony!” “God, let us come out of this financial hardship successful so that others can see how good You are!” “God, if you give me what I want, I will give You something in return.” God doesn’t want our deals, He wants our trust. If we trust Him, He will use us in His time and in His way.

Are you ready? Can you say, “I trust Him, even if…”?