Trust is a lot easier when you don’t have any choice

So I woke up at 5:30 this morning (Nothing like just jumping back in after an absence, right? I'll get back to that later. For now just go with me on this…) and could tell that the Lord wanted to talk. So I did what any normal person would do. I said, "Lord, let's talk at 7:00. That's a much more spiritual hour." And I rolled over to go back to sleep.

Except that I DIDN'T go back to sleep. As I lay in bed, all of the things that God wanted to discuss kept running through my mind, until finally, at 5:50, I said, "OK, Lord, let's talk. I'll meet you in the bathtub."

I grabbed my Bible and devotional book and started a hot bath. Then I sat down, opened my devotional, and laughed out loud when the title of my devotion for this morning was, "I am washed by God." J

The devotional didn't really tell me anything I didn't know, but it provided a much-needed reminder: God has washed me whiter than snow. He has taken the stains in my life and cleansed them. He has given me a fresh start.

A fresh start, I thought. I could really use one of those. Lord, if You're willing to give me one, then maybe I could give one to myself. So here I am, starting fresh. No looking back, no promises for tomorrow, just starting with a clean slate for today.

As a standard part of his routine, comedian Mike Birbiglia does something that he calls "My Secret Public Journal." To me, that's sort of what this blog is. It's a way for me to journal—which, as much as I like to write, has never been a strength for me. This is where I can express my thoughts and feelings and talk about everything that is going on in my life, things that I may be reluctant to share with people face-to-face so I write them down because it feels a little more private… and yet I am sharing it all with all of you in the hope that what is ministering to me may also speak to your heart.

So with that in mind, here is an update on what's happening here:

• I know that I have shared with you all that I am going to counseling now, and some of the crazy emotional roller coaster that I have been on. During the course of my counseling, my counselor recommended a book called How to Handle Your Emotions by June Hunt. If you are struggling with the emotions covered in the book—anger, depression, fear, grief, rejection, and/or self-worth—it is a book that I highly recommend. It is all at once clinical, spiritual, practical, and easy to read. It was exactly what I needed to help me understand what I have been feeling and start to heal a little. I also bought a devotional by the same author called Seeing Yourself through God's Eyes, another book that I am thoroughly enjoying—and the book that brought me here this morning. These books have also helped me to learn some other things, but… even with my "Secret Public Journal" there are some things that I like to mull over before I lay them out there for all to see, you know?
  
• After four years of… searching, of going to churches and getting connected to people but not really feeling "at home", of wondering when God was going to just finally speak audibly so we would know where He wanted us, we have found a new church home. And aaaaahhhhhhh, it feels good. We are getting settled into the Chapel in Akron, where we have found a great ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship—basically like a Sunday School), fantastic ministries, and a real sense of belonging. We have regularly attended two other churches in the past 4 hours, and hear me say this: they are wonderful churches with fantastic people. We loved many things about each of those churches—we just knew that they weren't the place that God had intended for us. And so now we are starting the process of developing relationships and getting involved and all of those things that are both exciting and overwhelming at first.
  
• The MOPS year will be starting again next month, and I am again the Coordinator for our group. It's going to be interesting this year, as we used to attend the church where MOPS is held, and I think that is a huge advantage. But I am excited to have the same four women (myself included) come back to the Steering Team—I know that we can all be more effective now that we have a feel for our roles and the dynamics of the group. And it feels like the theme, which focuses on relationships, was hand-picked by God for Rootstown MOPS. Thank you, Lord!
  

And I guess that's about it. Oh… except for maybe one little thing…

I'm pregnant!

That's right, friends and readers, our family is about to grow again. This was an unexpected but very welcome surprise for us. So far I've been feeling pretty "blah", but haven't really been too sick. I have discovered that there are certain "trigger foods" that I need to avoid… like grapes, yogurt, and turkey sandwiches. Yep, those wild and crazy foods. Unfortunately, onion rings seem to go down just fine.

It's not been all smiles and excitement, though. Because of some things that were discovered during our infertility journey, I am at an increased risk for a tubal pregnancy. In order to be safe, we always have an ultrasound at about 6 weeks, just to be sure that the baby is in the right spot. So I went to my first appointment, and we scheduled the ultrasound for this past Monday.

In the meantime, I started spotting, the Friday before the ultrasound. I never had that with my first two, so even though I had heard that it was a semi-normal thing to occur, I called my midwife. She told me not to worry, but to take it easy—no heavy-lifting, etc. The spotting continued through the weekend (It's still going on now, actually.), and on Sunday was bad enough that I called the OB/GYN's office and talked to the doctor on-call. She again told me to take it easy and just to wait and see what the ultrasound said, especially since I wasn't having any cramps. I asked her, "Let's say that it gets worse, and I do start having cramps. Is there any reason to go to the emergency room, or… not?"

"You mean, can we do anything to help?" she asked. "No, this is really something your body has to take care of on its own, one way or another."

So we went to the ultrasound the next day, got the picture going, and there was our beautiful little blip. J The baby was right in the uterus—yay!—and had a heartbeat—double-yay! The EDD based on the ultrasound was about 8 days later than the original one based on my last period, but that didn't bother me at all.

After the ultrasound we saw the doctor. (We see a midwife, but apparently they are not allowed to "interpret" ultrasounds, so we had to see the doctor that day.) This man is not exactly oozing with emotional connections and bedside manner. So it took me quite by surprise when he said, rather matter-of-factly, "Well, it looks like we've got some concerns here." We do? Apparently the combination of spotting and a small baby can be an indicator that things aren't going well. He even said that the heartbeat could be a "false positive"—that sometimes the ultrasound shows something that looks like "cardiac activity" but is actually something else.

At the same time, the dates just could be off, and I could just be having some normal spotting.

So now we wait. We go back in three weeks, and see if we can still hear a heartbeat. If we can, then everything should be fine. If not, then… well, not.

But here's the thing. It all sounds very scary to me to say it out loud, to see it in print. I read what I just wrote and think, "That mom is probably worried out of her mind." But I'm not.

Do you know why? There is not one single thing that ANYONE can do to change what is happening inside my better, for better or worse. If we had an ultrasound EVERY SINGLE DAY from now through the end of the first trimester, it wouldn't change anything. The treatment wouldn't change. The pregnancy wouldn't change.

I have never felt so completely out of control in my entire life. And it is extremely freeing.

God is in complete control of this situation. Man can do nothing. It also means that I don't need to be constantly watching for some sign that I need to call my doctor or rush to the hospital. There is nothing they can do—it is in God's hands. And yes, I am hoping for a happy ending. I am praying for it. And really, I truly believe that we will get it. But even if we don't, I know that whatever happens is exactly what God has planned.

A couple I know lost a baby when she was just weeks old. They talk about the impact that they unknowingly had on the people around them—family, friends, hospital staff, etc. People have come to them years later to say, "We were astounded by your complete faith and trust in God." And the couple will tell you, they didn't trust in God so that they could be an example to others. They weren't putting on a show or even necessarily working at it—they trusted God because there was nothing else to do.

I can't even begin to compare my situation to theirs. But I understand that kind of trust. To be very honest, at no point in this situation have I said, "God, I have to put this in Your hands and trust You with this." I didn't have to start trusting Him… I just did it.

So why do I have to work so hard to trust God with other things in my life? With the parenting decisions that I make, with my relationships, with my ministry? Sometimes, friends, it's easier to trust when you don't have any choice.

So Lord, thanks for another lesson on trust—apparently I have a hard head when it comes to that. Thanks for being trustworthy. Thanks for watching after us—all of us, even those we can't see yet.

And to you, thanks for listening. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement in my absence, now, and always. I look forward to sharing this pregnancy and the many other aspects of this crazy thing I call life with you. J

Post-Vacation Randomness

Greetings! We are officially home from vacation and ready to start 2009. :-) I have a few hours of free time, which I plan to spend e-mailing, reading (more on that later), and blogging, so you should have more to read in the near future. But for today I just wanted to give you all a few updates on the things that are spinning around in my head.

• First, "spinning" was not a random word choice--my head is quite literally spinning these days. I just started on a new perscription, and it is making me VERY dizzy. My doctor assures me that it will only last a few days. For now, though, it's kinda like being tipsy and sober at the same time--not entirely without merit. ;-)
• Our trip was wonderful! The four of us went, along with my mother-in-law and her best friend, and two other of our employees. We actually went on a cruise that left out of Miami and then made 3 stops in the Bahamas. The weather was wonderful, the ship was very nice, and we had a great time all around. I was thankful to have a port of call every day, because the time that we were trying to keep the kids occupied on the ship was a little bit stressful. This was mainly because it was an older ship (The newer ones have all kinds of cool stuff for kids, even little ones like ours), so it wouldn't prevent me from taking them in the future.
• The absolute highlight of the trip for me (and for Jon) was taking Grace dancing. Our room and his mom's room were adjoining, so at night we would put the kids to bed and then go to her room (with a monitor)--and most nights she came back for the night before 9PM and stayed there with the kids while we went out. (It was awesome!) Anyway, one night we decided to put Matt to bed and then let Grace stay up with us. We took her to see a live band, and she had a BLAST dancing the night away. It was without a doubt one of the cutest things I have ever seen.
• I would love to be able to share more of our trip with you all... but I have no photographic evidence of our vacation. No, I did not suddenly lost interest in photos and scrapbooking--I actually took TONS of photos. But they did not make it home with me. My camera disappeared on our last day of the trip. I have shed many tears over my lost photos. I am not totally giving up--I plan to call the cruise line today to see if it happened to turn up.
• We came home from our trip to the news that my uncle--my dad's brother--had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. He and my aunt live in California, but they had just been home to visit shortly before Christmas, and we had them over for brunch one morning. This was completely out of the blue for everyone. Please keep his wife and family (two grown children and two grandchildren) in your prayers.
• I have a new guilty pleasure: the Twilight series. Jon got me the first book for Christmas, and I read it in 2 days on our trip! I thought I was going to lose my mind when I couldn't get the next book on the ship or in port--in fact, I just picked it up at Target today. And I'm already over 50 pages into it.
• If you are one of the many people I have been neglecting for the past several weeks or months... I'm sorry. Please bear with me. In addition to the actual crazy schedule/circumstances that we've had, my emotions have also been overloaded. This has actually been going on for about 2 years now (since Matt was born), but it had started to get worse again in the past few months. I am finally getting help, so I promise to be a better friend and person now. :-)
• I have resolved that 2009 will not be as crazy busy as 2008, but so far that's not working out so well for me. I think that every weekend in January and February are already jammed!
• I am taking some steps to actually make some money this year. I am writing this here not so much because you all care if I am making money or not, but because writing it down makes me accountable--more likely to actually follow through!

OK, I am starting to bore myself here, so if you are still with me, treat yourself to a piece of chocolate! :-) I look forward to sharing more with you soon!

An Update--Or, "Why I am a bad bloggy friend"

OK, I admit it. I am a very bad blogger right now! I fully intended to write two or three more posts last week--I have them riiiiiiight here. (I'm pointing to my head right now, you just can't see it.) But they never made it onto the blog.

So I feel I should be up-front with you... Until the conference is over (which is in less than TWO WEEKS now), I am not likely to post more than once a week, if that. After that, things will be much more normal, I promise. But right now I am streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessed.

Here's just a little sampler of what is happening: First and foremost is, of course, the conference. Not only am I busy with it beyond words, I'm also in need of much prayer for it. As I said in my last post, I am really trusting God for whatever happens, but it's not easy. I just really covet your prayers for this event and for me. This morning I have found myself repeatedly praying over Matthew 6:25-34, especially verse 27: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" I am praying that God will help me to be smart and diligent and effective in my preparations, and to trust Him with the outcome. Did I mention it's not easy?

And second, everything else. In addition to the conference, my MOPS group is also getting ready for a few publicity events AND the beginning of our MOPS year. And it's my first year leading the group. It's a very busy time.

I was in a car accident last week. Everyone is fine, but I was cited, and now I have the great joy of meeting with the insurance adjuster, getting estimates, and getting it fixed. I am supposed to meet with the adjuster tomorrow (at a garage), but now my "drivable" car won't start. Oh, and I have so much to do for the conference that I simply don't have two or three days to be "car-less" while it is fixed, either... Argh...

My dad is in the hospital. My mom took him in to the ER on Sunday with chest pains that went down his left arm. From what I gather, he did not have a heart attack but it IS heart-related. My dad has some stents in his heart, and they suspect that there is a problem with one of those. He should be having some tests done soon--but yesterday the machine broke, so they're not sure when.

But on the other hand, we had a wonderful weekend as a family. For the first time in over two years, my dear husband is starting to feel like he's not just treading water at work. He actually took off the entire weekend, which just doesn't happen in this house. In fact, I can't remember the last time he took off a "non-major" holiday. We spent a day at the beach, some time with my parents and his mom, and lots of time here at home with the kids. And Jon was so great about working diligently on laundry and dishes and straightening the house so that my week would get off to a good start, too. God has truly blessed me with him. :-)

So that's the basic update. There are other things, but these are the ones that I really wanted to share. I appreciate your prayers and look forward to being able to post more soon.

Graduation...

Well, today I graduated to the next level as a mom... I made my first Mommy ER Trip!

The day started like any other... The kids and I got up, got dressed, and had breakfast... we went to the gym... then I asked Gracie what she wanted to do today, and she said, "I want Nana." So we headed out to my parents' house.

We played there for the morning, the kids watched a little TV, and we had lunch. I wanted to get home for naptime (Often the kids will just nap there.) b/c I had TONS to do, both around the house and for the MOPS Conference. So I carried our stuff out to the car and started the engine (read "air-conditioning"), then went back in to help the kids clean up their toys and get them in the car.

And that's when it happened. I picked up a few toys and directed Matt to pick up a toy and carry it back to the toy room (my old bedroom). He turned around and ran out of the room, and then tripped... and fell right into a hallway linen closet... into the handle of the bottom drawer. I saw him fall but didn't realize he had hit the handle, but I HEARD his forehead hit, so I knew it was gonna hurt. But then when I picked him up............. oh my goodness. Let's just say I'm not a fan of head wounds.

So I asked my dad to put Gracie down for her nap, and my mom and I headed for the local ER--fortunately just 5 minutes away. It was not a fun ride. But by the time we got there, the crying had stopped, the bleeding had stopped, and Matt felt the need to personally greet every person in the ER. :-) He didn't look too injured at that point, and I was feeling like a fool for 1) bringing him in, and 2) calling Jon and making him worry enough to reschedule all of his afternoon appointments to come join us.

But when we did get taken back (about an hour later), they said that it was deep and oddly shaped, and they recommended stitches.

Have you ever had a small child get stitches? It was WAY worse than the original wound. First they wrap him up in a sheet, then they velcro him into this big board with flaps that wrap around him, and THEN a nurse holds his head still while the doctor does his business. And of course, his business involves a shot in Matt's head (which didn't work to numb him, by the way), irrigating the wound, and doing... something else, all BEFORE he actually does the stitching! OY!!!

It was not a fun experience. For any of us.

But a few minutes later, a nurse brought him a popsicle. We didn't hear any more crying for the rest of the day.

Until we went back to my parents' house, and he fell and hit the OTHER side of his head on something else. Geez. At least there was no blood this time--just a big black-and-blue welt.

Here's to life with a boy: Cheers!