Transparency

Well, folks, it's time for a little honesty. It's not pretty, but it's where I am today.

On Sunday night, I had an amazing time with the Lord. My husband and I had gone to a friend's house, where my husband made use of the indoor pool. I opted out of swimming, going for a jog in the neighborhood instead. I finished before my swimmer, so I found a quiet spot by a pond in our friend's yard and laid down to rest. It was around 9 PM and still surprisingly light outside. As I lay there, staring at the single star in the sky, I was overtaken by the vastness of the sky, the universe beyond me. I turned off my iPod and started to pray—and strangely, as small as I felt right there and then, I also felt a connection with God unlike I have ever really experienced.

After that night, I decided to do a two-day fast. There are some struggles that we are having, and I felt that God was really asking me to let go and lay them at His feet. To be fair, I will keep the specifics private—but to ease your fears if you know us, it's nothing between us. J

I have done many fasts before, but I have to say that this was probably the most significant and… purest fast I have completed. By that I mean that my motives were pure (no hidden weight-loss agenda J) and that I was able to keep focused on why I was fasting. (Often I get to the end of my fast and think, "Wow, I'm glad that's over. Oh, I guess I forgot to really be praying about the things I was fasting for…") I was able to appreciate what a beautiful metaphor fasting is in giving your struggles over to God, trusting Him to supply my needs instead of relying on my own human senses.

And I prayed and prayed and prayed. Several topics kept coming up in my prayers. And I thought about the fast and the metaphor, and I was thankful for the way God was teaching me.

At the end of the two days, I took a deep breath, thanked God, and took a bit of food. J I did not get, nor did I expect, a miraculous solution to my prayers, but I felt comforted.

But that was yesterday. Today I am feeling discouraged and forgotten. I did not, as I said, expect the areas I was praying for to suddenly be fixed, but I think that there's a part of me that thought, "I've been earnestly fasting and praying about this for two days—it's going to start to get better." But it hasn't—and in many ways, it's gotten worse.

I stopped in my husband's office this morning, and I told him I was feeling discouraged. I suppose it doesn't help matters that I'm just generally having a lousy day—my kids are tired and grouchy, they are with a sitter today but Matt sobbed when I left, I'm not having a lot of luck with the errands I need to run, that kind of stuff. Anyway, I told him how frustrated I was, and he pointed me to a business deal that he was just able to close this week, which is a real blessing to us. It's not completely closed yet, but it has all come together so easily and seemed so perfect. Yes, I agreed, God has really worked that out, and I'm thankful for that. And then, while we were talking about it, some people we have never met before walked into his office and said, "We live next door to that house you're selling, and we have a problem." You've GOT to be kidding, Lord.

So here I sit in Panera, feeling very… heavy… spiritually, of course. And also, thankful for the free wireless Internet access. And while I would like to feel sorry for myself, God is reminding me that this pain I am feeling… it's hunger pangs. It's my earthly body searching for an earthly solution. But the answer isn't there. The answer isn't earthly, it is heavenly. My heavenly Father is the only one who can truly fill my needs. And while that doesn't necessarily make the hunger pangs disappear right away, it provides comfort to know that He will provide. Maybe not exactly what I think He should or when I think He should… but exactly what I need, when I need it.

As I was pondering all of this in the car earlier today, this song came on. It has always been one of my favorites, and the lyrics really struck my heart this morning. If you are hurting or feeling like you need some peace, I hope they will speak to you as well. Oh, and even if it sounds like I'm working my way out of my discouragement, if you could spare a prayer for me, I definitely wouldn't argue. J Thanks for indulging me.

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Prayers in the midst of tragedy

Ladies,
I don't know if you've heard yet, but yesterday afternoon Steven Curtis Chapman's 5-year-old daughter Maria Sue was tragically killed at their home. She was struck in their driveway by an SUV driven by her older brother. I cannot even imagine the pain that they are all feeling at this moment--my own heart is physically hurting for them.

I just wanted to post and encourage you all to pray for Steven and his family. Pray for peace for them, especially for their son who was involved in the accident. And also pray for them as so many eyes are on them in the middle of such a dark time in their lives. No one should have to be worried about others' perceptions when they are grieving, but right now believers and unbelievers alike are looking to see how this strong Christian family will react. Please pray that God will give them wisdom, strength, and, again, peace in the weeks, days, hours, and even minutes ahead.

Father, I do not pretend to know or understand Your will, but I know that it is perfect. God, I just pray that You will wrap this family in Your arms and comfort them. Words seem so shallow, gifts so meaningless, but You are the Comforter. I just ask that You will draw them to You, that You will give them strength in the middle of this, and I pray that You will use this sad situation to bring glory to Yourself. Amen.

Weekly thoughts

I thought I would try something new. In addition to the things that I post rather sporadically, I would like to start each week with something that has been on my mind—something from my Bible studies for the week or something that God has laid on my heart. These entries will typically be shorter than what I might normally include, but hopefully will just inspire you in some way as they have me. So here we go with the first one…

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness by evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
—Philippians 4:4-7

Most of us are probably familiar with that passage. I have repeatedly in my life called on verses 6 and 7 to help me through hard times. It is truly wonderful that we can present our requests to God, and He will give us peace.

I think, however, that we can cheapen the true meaning of these verses if that's all we get out of them. Remember that verse numbers were added much later—the apostle Paul didn't divide his letters into chapters, verses, and sections. J To get the bigger picture of what he is saying, we need to look at the whole passage.

Paul isn't just calling on us to go to God with our requests, he is exhorting us to focus on God with everything we have. The peace of God will guard our hearts and minds when we do all of the things he mentioned: rejoice in the Lord always, be gentle, remember that the Lord is near, do not be anxious, AND take your concerns to the Lord in prayer. It is not just about getting relief from our concerns, it's about keeping our focus where it should be—on Christ.

To look at the even bigger picture, Paul was addressing some fighting and disagreements among the believers. These women, Euodia and Syntyche, were so focused on being right that they were taking their eyes off of Christ. They weren't rejoicing together; they weren't treating each other gently; they weren't treating each other as they would if the Lord were sitting there with them. Paul knew that true peace, both within us individually and among the believers, would come only when their focus was right.

Whatever your situation, whatever is on your mind this week, whatever is on your calendar, keep your focus on Christ. Rejoice in the Lord always. Remember with each word you say that the Lord is near. Present all of your requests to God, with thanksgiving. And let the peace of God in.

Have a blessed week.